when i grow up.

i have been thinking about an adult life a lot lately. i don't know if its because a lot of people i have known for a long time are having babies or getting married or what. don't get me wrong, i am in no hurry to get married or to get knocked up. i am 19. and life has just started.
if i got married, i think i would want to keep my name. i am no object to own. my name was given to me at birth. and i am proud of it. it seems like that is something that a man looks forward to, having his girl take his name. the man i marry will understand we are united, not one object. mr. and mrs. insert last name. not mr. and mrs. his first and last name. you shouldn't become a whole new person when you get married. because he married you for who you are.
most girls want to have babies. they love them and working with all girls at aerie, it has come to my attention how much they love them. i don't know if i want kids. i don't really like them. but then i think, i am sure if they were my own i would love them to death. its either - no kids, or a ton of kids. you can't have just one. there are a few names i love that i wouldn't mind giving away.

and my dad thinks papa joe's is going to close down soon. so he started scolding me about getting back to school. and how he doesn't want me to be a waitress forever. and i said dad i would be in school right now if i could, it was because of you and mom that i am not in school right now. don't even get me started.
i can't talk to them about it.

yesterday was mike's birthday. i haven't talked to him for two weeks. and i thought i deleted his number out of my phone. but a picture message he sent me a long time ago didn't delete out of my inbox, so i still had it. i thought hey, i'll be the mature one here and wish him a happy birthday. we had a little bit of small talk and sure enough he asks "so are any hot guys goin after you". i said enough to keep me sore. and he said "haha really!?". moron. of course not.
why would he ask that. and then he brought it up later again. so i thought if he wants a straight answer i'll give it to him. i said, there are a few guys calling me and chasing me. but i am not interested in them. i could get it if i wanted it, but i don't. i am not a skank and you know that.
he misses me. we are supposed to hang tonight. i don't know if it's a good idea or not. i could do better. and he really hurt me. he needs to know it's not going to be easy to just win me back.
he needed his space. and i thought i was losing him so i tried to not let that happen.
he said i never lost him.