we will live like our ghosts will live.

it has been a while.
where did i leave off...

i wanted the third job because i didn't get the manager position at aerie that i didn't know was available. i wanted to be a key holder, because that was all i thought was opened. little did i know. a girl that hasn't even been working at aerie got the assistant manager position. she is the perfect cliche of a bag of rocks. she asks me how to do everything, still, and she is a manger. bitch i have no idea how to do your job.
i told the store manager that i wanted that job, so when something full time opens up, tell me, because i want it. she said of course. i have been getting 20-25+ hours a week which is better, but not cutting it. i work everyday so it's dumb that is all the hours i get.
things at papa joe's are ultra flaky. two weeks ago, when i showed up for work, jeffrey, one of the cocktails, told me they had too many people working tonight and to go home. so i was like alright whatever. i rode with my dad so i had to call a friend and get a ride home. then after i arranged my ride and she was on her way, i was talking to my dad and jeffrey walks by saying "don't be mad at me charlie. it was voluntary." BULL SHIT. he told me to leave. fuck. so i told brad, the manager, that i was mad. he said he had no idea these orders were made. i was like whatever bro you're the boss you should know. since that night, i have been trying to get a hold of brad and i have yet to speak to him. my dad has asked him every friday and saturday night since then to call me. has he done it? no. i am not going back until i hear straight from brads mouth that he is going to man up and be the manager. but turns out, friday night there were people picketing outside about how joe doesn't pay his bills. big sarcastic surprise.

i am really confused on the people i call my friends. i am not actually sure if they want anything to do with me. seriously it has been months since i have talked to some of the people i considered my close to best friends. they probably don't even notice. well i have. and it fucking sucks hearing stories or seeing pictures of all the parties or all the whatever i wasn't invited to. no one tells me anything that goes on. and i am not the kind of person to invite myself over or to things. as if there aren't enough things to be upset about, i can't even depend on most of my friends.
but. kara and brittany are and always have been amazing.

trying to be a strict vegetarian has been increasingly hard lately. i crave meat all the time. but when i actually think about it, it's disgusting. the texture is nasty. mostly because it is flesh. the fast that it once had blood all through it is gruesome. it smells gross. and the simple fact that it was a life really upsets me.
pigs are as intelligent as the average three year old human.
cows are beautiful, gentle creatures.
chickens and turkeys are naturally social animals.
ducks live in pairs or groups while geese mate for life.
fish feel pain and panic when they are smashed into the humongous fishing nets. and aqua farms pollute the environment.
those are plenty of reasons for me to keep sticking to it.

jeff is still missing. i miss him more than i can explain. and i hope he is alright and safe.

sleep for now.
love s ev.