thanks f & bg.

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you.
Don't even know what I'll say when I get to you.
But suddenly now, I know where I belong.
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long.

i am having one hell of a night. one that i really don't think i can handle right at this point.
i am tired of every one's negativity. i am still heartbroken so really, listening to everyone bitch about things that are completely irrelevant and unnecessary are wearing me down, quickly. and hearing that some of the people that i would call my friends can't really stand me, yeah that is also helping a lot.
life right now honestly is not at its best. i am super single, some of my friends are fake as fuck, i am getting no hours at work so i am broke, and i just feel absolutely alone. who am i supposed to turn to if i don't have that support system of friends? i feel like a lot of the people that i used to hang out with last summer are all close to each other and i am on the outside. like i had my birthday party at avb's last year, and those people see each other everyday, and i haven't seen many of them for months. and i feel like the group of people i have been hangin with latley don't like me much either. i feel like i did in high school. like i don't have my niche that everyone had. i don't have someone i can call when i am upset. kara is impossible to get a hold of, kathryn is in illinois and in a month will be in rome, kook and i don't talk much anymore and i really miss her and the same with wacy. i just miss my friends. i miss people that did the same things that i did. i really don't like always being around a party, being around drunk people, constantly being around weed. and it is never anything personal, but it is something i have never been able to handle in huge quantities more than like twice a week. there are some people at the parties that i love, some i really dislike, and then the majority of people i don't know. it's weird because sometimes i feel like i could approach anyone, and sometimes i feel like i couldn't talk to my own shadow if i have never seen it before.
i just hate feeling like i have no one to talk to that actually cares. i hate feeling like i am not welcome anywhere. and i hate feeling like i am being avoided. like today. i called/texted about six different people. none of them got back to me. i know sometimes people don't respond, but such a mass of friends all on the same night, it really made me upset.
it majorly blows frankly. the majority of my life i have felt like an outsider in everything. with either "group" of pals, music is a HUGE deal in both. and both sides are on completely different pages than me. i don't know a lot about recent tunes. the vast of it comes from either the 60s or the 70s. like crosby, stills & nash, neil young, doobie brothers, the beatles, led zeppelin, jethro tull, jefferson airplane, and nick drake to name a few. like there are some more current musicians i am into like iron and wine and some assorted dj's, but that is probably a fourth of what i love. most of the music related conversations, i have no idea what anyone is talking about. i think that it's interesting, but i just feel like because of my different tastes, what i like isn't respected. like i am a complete idiot for liking what i do.
and music isn't everything to me. and at one point i hated everything that i heard. my taste always got older as i did. like when i was in sixth grade i was into a bunch of punk or just new aged rock. eight grade to freshman year i was real into grunge. then i progressed, pardon - regressed, to classic rock and some folk sounds and here i am. but art is more of my thing. i much rather continue going deaf than lose my vision. visual arts are my passion and what i believe is the future in my life. in high school, i got very mixed up in band because that is where my friends were. i have always been into art but i didn't take my first art class in high school until my junior year. tredway said i should have been in studio, but i didn't have the perquisites. if i would have realized that i sucked at percussion earlier, i would have taken art classes earlier, and life would be completely different. i would have a portfolio by now and most likely some kind of scholarship. it is very discouraging that i screwed up big time with that choice.
i could talk about art for hours. i could sit around all day and just create. i could paint, draw, form, design anything from fonts to clothes for hours on end. just getting myself to do it is hard. my abilities have really declined from being out of my artistic loop. i get easily frustrated when i can't get things to look how i want them to. i will drop it and be to afraid to go back to it. i get stumped when i can't think of anything fresh. i am coming to realize that is probably why my mom doesn't draw anymore. she is probably one of the most talented artists i have met. and she learned from the best, my grandmother. i never met her but she was so gifted. her medium was watercolor and her muse was old barns. my mom loves pen and ink and charcoal and draw people like they are right in front of you, personality and all. there is so much i could learn from her but she won't get down and do it just like i have a hard time doing. i wish there was something i could do to bring it out of her. i wish we could take a class together. in anything.
my brother is also very creative. all of out families styles are very different though. my mom is more realistic, my brother is more urban, and i am more... funk. he has tagged about everything that can be recycled in his room. he made a stencil of a bomb and spray painted the back of street sign by our house. michael and my brother are both into urban arts but their styles are very different. i helped both of them come up with their alter art egos. spoon - michael. gosh - thomas. my second self is s ev. when i sign my work, i connect it together because it's cursive and lowercase and i like it that way. but it is NOT sev or pronounced as such. that drives me nuts.

i have no idea. i have so much on my mind i needed to get some of it visually out and whatnot.
i'm just going to leave it at that.
until later. later.