it's just that i'm old school like that.

roll that rap over soul loops like that.

it has obviously been a while since i have written. and really, i have wanted to, but i just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. there are so many things i think about everyday that weigh me down and stress me out. it is exhausting. but sometimes talking about it is the last think i want to do. talking about it makes it more and more real. and it is all just something i want to get over and want to move on from.
and at points, it seems like i will never be able to do that.

i got a second job after i found out i didn't get picked for the assistant manager position at aerie.
it is real easy. most of the time i just sit around and watch c.s.i. but sometimes, people come in and most of the time it's weird old guys that stare at me like i am there for their amusement. it can be disgusting. what a good waitress would do is flirt along with them and smile, but i am no actress. i just ignore it or change the subject. this one old guy, his beer was getting low so i asked him if he wanted another one, and he said, "of course. it's no fun watching you stand there."
creepy. and sick. i don't want old guys ogling at me. i don't wear make up or anything reveling and they are still perverts. perverts that don't tip that well no matter how much i play along. though there was this guy that came in and played some keno and had a beer, and he is someone that i actually liked having a conversation with. he told me he was a printer and we talked about design and art. conversation rolled around to human rights and some light politics and current events. usually that is something you avoid talking about, but we were the only one at the bar and had a very good discussion. like the kind of discussion i like having on those kind of things. we did have similar views, but the things we disagreed on, we listened to each others opinion without insulting the other. he left me a 150 percent tip. it was nice to feel like i was tipped on my personality and my mind rather than how i dressed and how much i hit on him. it was nice to feel respected even though i am a waitress and a bartender. i am never going to demean myself to make money.

there is much more i would like to say, but i have to get up for work pretty early. i'll come back to this.