a bittersweet pick me up.

it has been almost four months since jeff went missing/passed on.
keith found a session that he and jeff recorded and posted it. it is truly bittersweet. it is obviously bitter because he is gone, but sweet because it really shows the light that was in jeff. i was probably laughing the majority of listening to it. i highly recommend checking it out. HERE.
i went to jeff's gravesite shortly after hearing the recording. i haven't been since the headstone was put in. there was so many flowers around the stone and equally around ben's. i cleared the dirt off of both of them and straightened up the flowers. at jeff's, i lit some nag champa and something really strange happened. i don't know if it was purely coincidence or what. but when i was trying to light the incense, my lighter wasn't working. i don't know if it is real low on fluid or what but for some weird reason i said aloud, "sorry jeff, i am not very good with lighters," and the moment i was done speaking, the lighter worked. and stayed lit until the incense was completely burning.
i'm not particularly into any sort of religion so i didn't pray or anything. so i thought some thoughts and some things to jeff and was on my way.

yesterday, i was having a lot of thoughts and a lot of racing thoughts so a little after eight, i left for a work out on my bike to try to blow off some stress. i rode from my house to the point i normally turn around at, right before zorinski, and wasn't tired so i kept going. i went around the big lake and it started to get really really dark. my bike doesn't have any added reflectors or lights or anything so i knew it would be a sure suicide if i attempted to ride back home. i got kinda confused inside the trail. i have never been around the whole thing, especially at dusk. my sense of direction got thrown all out of whack. when i finally got to a clearing and to a point where i knew where i was, i tried to call for help and a ride. i tried calling my mom, my brother, my dad, brien, and a couple other friends. no one answered. this is when i really stared to panic. it was very very dark and there was almost no one at the park any longer. eventually i got a hole of my dad and he came to my rescue. i got home around ten but was just relieved to not be stranded in some creepy park anymore. i was just scared. i was afraid of being alone, in the dark, and away from home.

thank god i get paid today. i have absolutely no gas. i couldn't get my moms birthday present. and i have a couple bills coming up next week. i need another job. for sure.