oh hey.

there has been so many things i have been wanting to write about, but i just haven't felt like doing much of anything the past couple weeks, a month or more maybe. honestly, i'm in a funk. i haven't been taking my medicine very much if at all. it's a horrible move, i know. i don't really have a solid reason for not taking it because it's not like i hate it. i just would wake up at weird times or be in a hurry to get to work and as soon as i would realize i didn't take it, i would be miles away from my house and there would be no time to get back.
it's been a mix of mania and depression. mainly depression. and i've been having racing thoughts which i haven't had for a while now. i hate them. it's like my brain is spitting out words so fast and i can't really understand what it is saying, just rolling its tongue making sounds at 100 miles per hour. that and not being able to sleep for more than three to four hours at a time. it's whatever. at least i know what i'm going through. time will tell.

oh yeah. i went to chicago two weeks ago. it was amazing. it was so good to see my sister and kramey. i wish i could move there and live with them.
chicago is just... so much more alive than omaha. there are so many things going on in every direction. oh god and so visually stimulating. the logos for shops and restaurants painted a rainbow on my brain. completely beautiful, even though it rain the majority of the time i was there. i tasted some of the best food i have ever eaten at blackbird and over all had one of the best times of my life thus far.
when i got back home, i realize how unhappy i am with my life here. don't get me wrong, i love my family, but i miss my sister and best friend. i feel like i have little to no one here that i can depend on and that won't stab me in the back. i don't get how some people can just party non stop. i don't make a lot of money from my jobs, i had to drop my classes for various reasons, bla bla bla. i could do it. i could move and survive and figure it out. i feel like with the support i get from kramer and elizabeth, i would be happy. i'm afraid to leave my mom and dad though. i'm sure i talk to my dad the most out of my brother, sister, and mom; i'm just afraid he would be so lonely. as much as i can't stand the thought of another partner with either my mom or dad, i just want them to be happy. happy and not lonely. and for as long as i have been alive, i have known that my dad struggles with depression too. maybe that is why i am so afraid, because i hate being lonely myself.
sometimes it just feels like i share the same heart with people and share the same pains.

i would like to go back to chicago for thanksgiving to spend it with kramer. thanksgiving isn't a huge deal with my family, my dad has to work, i don't eat turkey. and she can't some home for thanksgiving and her family can't come up. i don't want her to be alone. even though thanksgiving isn't a big deal at my house, it is still about bonding with people you love. and i don't her alone thinking about how she is alone and not with loved ones. but airline and train tickets are through the roof. i was planing on driving but i still don't have new tires. and i need them so badly. driving would be the cheapest route, but i need those damn tires. it would be a cheap trip if i drove, just money for gas and food maybe a little for shopping. i made ok tips this week and work saturday at the bar so there is some cash. and i get paid between now and then. still up in the air but i think it would be really fun just like me and krame in the city. being crazy ass bitches. but not... maybe.
even though kramer and i have not known each other for a long time and she lives in chicago and i live in omaha, she is probably the best friend i have ever had. i have no idea how i got by with out her before. so SHOUT OUT TO YOU CHRISTINE KRAMER. but calling you by your first name kinda feels funny. next weekend, she comes home. psyched.

radda radda? radda.

i dropped my classes. like a dumb ass. i got sick and just feel so far behind and i knew i was starting to get down and that it was just going to get worse. so i dropped them. no money back. dumb as hell, but it won't be on my transcripts as a fail. i think i needed a test run before i get fully back into school since i haven't been in school for two years. i know i have to work hard and study and whatnot, but i just was so torn between work and being exhausted i lost sight of that. but i signed up for next semesters classes today, composition I and U.S. history 1945-present. i will definitely like that history class a lot more than philosophy. my classes are tuesdays and thursdays from 10:30-1:15. noice.

i cut my hair. 13 inches donated to locks of love. it feels so weird and i kinda hate it but friends seem to love it. it will always grow back. and i could always donate it again.
sorry that i am kind jumping around with this.

halloween, i was rosie the riveter. the night before, i lost thought on how much i had been drinking, and totally lost it. as in my stomach contents. it was horriable. i was in bed saturday until five. so easy to say i did not drink at all on halloween. and probably won't be drinking for a while more than a beer or two. i'm so embarrassed to think how sick i got. thankfully it was all in the privacy of my own home and not in front of my friends, but hell.

and. my brothers 19th birthday is monday aka november 9th. we are sixteen months apart so it's like hey i was just 19 like four months ago. i am thinking about getting him slightly stoopid tickets for his birthday. the show is three days after his birthday. he loves the stoop. maybe we could go together. i'll see what he wants to do but hopefully that is a good present.